Murder She Wrote Spoof!
by jennifer snape
Summary: A parody of Jessica and our other favourite characters!
1. Chapter 1

I adore Murder She Wrote, especially Jessica - I think she's brilliant! I thought it would be fun to write a spoof. Here goes….

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**Murder She Wrote: Spoof!**

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"Well, it certainly seems to be an open and shut case," the Sheriff nodded to his officers. "We have the suspect's fingerprints all over the body, a clear motive, and four hundred and thirty-two eye-witnesses all saw him kill the man."

Jessica, however, frowned and tapped her finger against her chin. "Hmm…I'm not so sure. Something doesn't seem to fit…."

The sheriff immediately blew his whistle. "Woah! Officers! Did you hear that? Mrs. F. thinks there's something fishy going on. Release the suspect!"

"But chief…" the officer spluttered. "Everyone saw him kill the man! And we have a signed confession!"

The Sheriff set his jaw firmly. "I don't care. _No one gets arrested until Mrs. Fletcher gives us the go ahead_."

"Right you are, chief," they grumbled. They released him and the man ran off.

The sheriff turned towards Jessica. "So, ma'am, could you explain what you think is going on? Er – not that I don't know, of course, but – er – just to see if _you_ know."

"Oh, of course, Sheriff." Jessica smiled. "Well it all started when I noticed that the jar on the table was moved to the piano, and then the rose petal that was on the floor mysteriously appeared in the killer's pocket, and the taxi-driver had red hair and spoke Norwegian - "

The Sheriff looked at her in total bewilderment. _What the bloody hell is she talking about?_

"…then the watch stopped at exactly fourteen minutes past nine, and I only eat meat on Tuesdays, so that can only mean one thing…."

_That you're completely insane?_

"That the killer is old Mrs. Carter!" Jessica pointed at a sweet elderly lady sitting in the corner who was doing a spot of knitting.

_Jeeez, I'd better agree or I'll look stupid._

"Good grief!" the Sheriff nodded vigorously. "You're right! There's a cold-blooded killer if ever I saw one. Arrest her!"

A SWAT team promptly dived out from behind a bush and surrounded her.

A helicopter appeared overhead and a man with a megaphone addressed the elderly lady.

"PUT DOWN THE KNITTING NEEDLES – I REPEAT - PUT DOWN THE KNITTING NEEDLES."

The Sheriff stepped forward. "I advise you to come quietly now, ma'am, we don't want to make a scene."

The sweet old lady looked up in complete confusion and cupped a hand behind her ear. "I'm sorry, dear? I'm a bit hard of hearing…."

"Oh really?" the Sheriff replied sarcastically. "And I'm the Queen of England."

Jessica shook her head reprovingly at the old lady.

Then someone told a joke to lighten the mood.

**The End**

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	2. Chapter 2

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**Chapter 2**

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It was a Sunday afternoon and Jessica telephoned her best friend.

"Nancy dear, is that you?"

Nancy paled in fright. _Oh no, it's that woman who sets one foot into a city and then half the population dies._

"Nancy…? Are you there? I thought I'd come and visit you."

"NO!" The frightened lady squealed. "Please don't!"

Jessica was taken aback. "Why ever not?"

"Well every time you visit, some poor soul gets murdered within about five minutes of you arriving!"

"Hmm…you've got a point there," Jessica agreed. She thought for a moment. "Oh well, never mind. I'll go and stay with my best friend Hilda instead. She lives in Kentucky."

Nancy frowned indignantly into the phone. "I thought _I_ was your best friend!"

"You are, dear," Jessica reassured her. "In _Washington_."

"What's that supposed to mean?" the lady huffed. "How many best friends do you have?"

Jessica scratched her head, trying to remember. "Oh, seven hundred and thirteen at my last count. Give or take a few. I forget the exact numbers…. Anyway, must dash."

She promptly put the phone down and dialled another number. After a few rings, a voice sounded on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Hilda! I'm coming to visit!"

"Jessica!" Hilda exclaimed. "Oh that sounds lovely!" Suddenly her voice changed. "Oh dear though, I'm quite busy just now…I don't know if I'd be able to spend much time with you…."

"Don't worry about that," Jessica scoffed. "I'm sure someone will get murdered as soon as I arrive – I can spend my time sorting it out."

"Marvellous, I look forward to seeing you!"

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Several hours later, the aircraft landed in Kentucky and Jessica stepped onto the ground.

Twenty people immediately dropped dead.

Jessica rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Oh for God's sake, can't I travel anywhere without people bloody dying?"

A policeman suddenly rushed up and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, ma'am, I do apologise…but would you mind clearing up the murder for us? We can't really be bothered. And even if we were, we don't really have the brain power."

"Oh don't mind _me_," Jessica said, folding her arms and pretending to be annoyed. "I'll just forfeit my _entire_ holiday in order to help your incompetent police officers solve the crime, shall I?" She smiled to herself, however, secretly pleased at all the attention.

"Alright, let me see," she murmured, getting down to business. She shut her eyes and spun around in a circle, pointing a finger at random.

"And the murderer is…him!" She opened her eyes, only to find that she was pointing at an oak tree.

"Brilliant! Thank you, ma'am!" the policeman beamed gratefully, whipping out his handcuffs. "We've been onto him for a while…."

He promptly arrested the tree.

Everyone cheered.

Seth (who appeared out of nowhere, and had no reason whatsoever to be in the state of Kentucky) told a tree-related joke to tie things up.

The End 

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	3. Chapter 3

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**Chapter 3**

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It was a Monday afternoon at the police station and the Sheriff was conducting interviews to find a suitable officer to join the squad….

_Candidate number one:_

The Sheriff asked the first question on his sheet. "What would you do if you witnessed a disturbance of the peace?"

The bright young man thought for a few seconds before answering. "Well first of all I would attempt to diffuse the situation, and then call for back up. And of course I would try not to resort to weapons unless absolutely necessary, all the while ensuring that no civilians get caught up in the - "

The Sheriff shook his head. "Sorry officer, you haven't got the job."

"What…? Why?" the man spluttered.

"We can't have anyone on the squad that outshines Jessica Fletcher, I'm afraid. He pointed to a sign behind his head that read _'Only idiots allowed'_. He smiled sympathetically. "Sorry about that – government policy. Have a nice day now."

He showed him out.

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_Candidate number two:_

The Sheriff read off another question. "How would you question a suspect in a murder case?"

The officer blinked stupidly. "What's a suspect?"

The Sheriff smiled. "Welcome aboard, son."

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_Candidate number three:_

The Sheriff nodded to the young man. "Hello there, what's your name?"

The man wracked his brain, trying to think of the correct answer. "Er…."

The Sheriff extended his arm to shake hands. "You're hired!"

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	4. Chapter 4

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**Chapter 4**

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Seth and Jessica were sitting in Jessica's kitchen, just like they do every single minute of every day without fail. She was frantically typing on her typewriter.

"What's that you're writing, Jess?" Seth asked.

"A new book."

"Oooh, what's it about?" he asked, quite beside himself with suspense.

"The same thing that my last four thousand and seventy-six books have been about."

Seth blinked at her, none the wiser.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "A _murder_."

"Really?" Seth was so stunned that he fell off his chair onto the floor. "Well, I never…."

"Well my last novel was such a success that I thought I'd carry on," Jessica explained.

"Oooh, and what was that one about?" Seth asked.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "Murder."

"Really?" Seth was so stunned that he fell off the floor. "Well, I never…."

Jessica chewed on her pencil thoughtfully. "The only thing is, I can't think how to kill off this character…."

"How about the character dies of a natural cause?" Seth suggested.

"No," Jessica replied exasperatedly, "it has to be a MURDER."

"What about an illness?"

"That's not murder either!"

"How about he trips over his shoelaces and dies?" Seth added helpfully.

Jessica could see that this was going nowhere so she instead asked Seth a question that had been bothering her for a while.

"Seth, why do you always come round to my house uninvited?"

Seth shrugged. "I have no idea. And why do you always leave your door unlocked so I can just barge in unannounced?"

Jessica pondered this for a moment. "You know, I have no idea."


	5. Chapter 5

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**Chapter 5**

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Dorothy Brown gasped helplessly as the poison coursed through her veins. She sank backwards onto her bed as the last thought that she would ever think flew around her mind…_how can I leave a clue as to who my killer was?_

She looked around wildly and grasped the only novel within reach – her light bedtime reading, and with her last dying ounce of energy she managed to point to a particular sentence in the book which said 'I was killed by Jack Phillips, the transport manager who lives next door, by a lesser-known poison made from dihydrochloropentamine-phosphate mixed with rabbit droppings, and Jessica Fletcher I hope you lead the investigation because if you leave it to those morons at the police department then this case will never get solved'.

Well, I never. How lucky she'd been reading this book and not The Da Vinci Code.


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